Understanding yourself
Building on the concept of the struggle switch post from last month, let’s get a better understanding of your own personal struggle switch and how it developed. Take a look at these emotions: fear, anger, shock, love, joy, curiosity, disgust, sadness, guilt. Which ones do you label as “good” or “positive?” Which do you automatically label as “bad” or “negative?”
These are a list of nine basic human emotions. Most people label fear, anger, shock, disgust, sadness and guilt as bad or negative and love, joy and curiosity as good or positive. Why is this? Mostly because of the stories we believe about emotions. These stories come from our thinking self. Some unhelpful stories our thinking self creates may sound like this:
Negative emotions are bad, irrational and a sign of weakness
People should hide their feelings
Women shouldn’t feel angry
Men shouldn’t feel afraid
Negative emotions mean there’s something wrong with my life
You may agree with some or all of these or maybe you believe something very different; it usually depends on your upbringing. If you grew up in a family where “positive” emotions were freely expressed but “negative” ones were not, then you learned to avoid “negative” emotions. If your family leaned more toward hiding feelings, then you may have learned to keep your feelings bottled up. If you were taught that anger was healthy to express in order to “get it out,” you may be ok with anger, but if you were frightened by a parent’s display of anger, you may have decided that anger is bad and should be suppressed or avoided.
Judging emotions as “good” or “bad” sets you up for a struggle with your feelings. In ACT, you are encouraged to let go of judging your feelings and to see them for what they are: a stream of changing sensations and urges that continuously pass through your body.
One of the first steps to help you stop struggling is to NOTICE. Maybe you simply notice every time you are judging your emotions. Silently say to yourself, “judging.” The goal is to LET GO of judgments NOT to STOP them. The better you get at letting go of judgments, the less likely you will get caught up in the struggle with them.
One of the first steps to help you stop struggling is to NOTICE. Maybe you simply notice every time you are judging your emotions. Silently say to yourself, “judging.” The goal is to LET GO of judgments NOT to STOP them. The better you get at letting go of judgments, the less likely you will get caught up in the struggle with them.
The mind adds to our emotional discomfort by making comments or asking questions. Often, these comments and questions stir up or intensify unpleasant feelings. Have you ever heard your thinking self say things like:
Why am I feeling like this? (This gets you to run through all of your problems one by one)
What have I done to deserve this? (This sets you up for self-blame and rehashing all the bad things you’ve done so you can figure out why the universe is punishing you)
Why am I like this? (This gets you to search your life history looking for reasons you are the way you are and very often ends in blaming your parents - which doesn’t really help you in any practical way)
I can’t handle it! (This is your mind feeding you a story that you are too weak to handle this)
I shouldn’t feel like this. (This is your mind picking an argument with reality. The reality is this: the way you are feeling right now is the way you are feeling! But your mind says, “Reality is wrong! It’s not supposed to be this way - stop it!”)
I wish I didn’t feel like this. (This gets us caught up in second guessing ourselves and imagining how our lives could be so much better if only we felt differently).
The thinking self has lots of ways to either directly intensify our bad feelings or to get us to waste a huge amount of time uselessly focusing on them. The next time you catch your mind in the act when it tries to hook you with these questions and comments, simply refuse to play the game. Try saying, “Thanks, Mind, but I’m not playing this game today!”
The mind adds to our emotional discomfort by making comments or asking questions. Often, these comments and questions stir up or intensify unpleasant feelings.
As Russ Harris points out in The Happiness Trap, “Painful emotions become chronic only when you keep the struggle switch ON. Once you stop struggling, they are free to move, and they generally do so fairly quickly. So when you respond to your emotions with acceptance . . . they don’t hurt you. Acceptance breaks the vicious cycle of struggle and frees you to invest your time and energy in life-enhancing activities (p. 96).”
Remember that emotions themselves are neither good nor bad, they are simply our psychological responses to the events of life. Notice when some of the stories listed above show up and unhook yourself from your thinking self so your feelings don’t get stirred up or intensified by putting focus on those thoughts. Ask yourself if your struggle switch is ON and if it is . . . turn it OFF!
Reflection: What was your childhood programming? What ways were you taught to express or not express your feelings?
Action: Keep a notebook with you and note the emotions you feel throughout the day. Cross reference the circumstance or event that occurred when you had that feeling. Write them in your notebook like this: Event: Cut off by car/Feeling: Anger; Event: No dinner ready when I got home from work/Feeling: Disappointment; Event: Project due in 3 days/Feeling: stress/anxious
Tool: Unhook from your mind using the “Thanking your mind tool”