What are you thinking?
Learning a new way to handle unwelcome thoughts and feelings can feel daunting. As a coach, I introduce tools and skills to clients to help them shift or transform their inner world that is typically related to their thinking and limiting beliefs. At times, I use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) concepts like the ones in Russ Harris’ book, The Happiness Trap. The six core principles from his book are outlined below. The first four relate to mindfulness or paying attention to what is happening in the present moment. Understanding what you value and what’s important to you is a separate core principle and committed action is the last. When you combine mindfulness with your values and committed action you can develop flexible thinking. Harris describes this as psychological flexibility which is “the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness, and focus and to take effective action, guided by your values.”
Learning a new way to handle unwelcome thoughts and feelings can feel daunting. As a coach, I introduce tools and skills to clients to help them shift or transform their inner world that is typically related to their thinking and limiting beliefs.
The six core principles of ACT are:
Defusion - a way of relating to your thoughts in a new way so they have less impact and influence over you.
Expansion - making room for feelings and sensations instead of pushing them away or avoiding them. In ACT, this is known as “acceptance.”
Connection - being fully present with what is happening in the present moment.
Observing self - the part of your mind that can notice or observe your thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
Values - knowing what is most important to you. Russ Harris describes it as knowing your heart: “what sort of person you want to be, what is significant and meaningful to you, and what you want to stand for in this life.” Your values provide a roadmap or direction for your life and inspire you to make changes.
Committed action - taking steps or actions to live your life aligned with your values.
This month, we’ll focus on the principle of defusion. Humans rely a lot on their thoughts. Thoughts provide information about our life and how to live it. They tell us how we “should” be or behave. In ACT, thoughts are often referred to as stories. Sometimes they are true (a/k/a facts) and sometimes they are false. Most are stories about how we SEE life (opinions, attitudes, ideals, beliefs, etc.) or what we want to DO with life (plans, dreams, goals, wishes, etc.). “In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not whether it’s true or false, but whether it’s helpful; that is, if we pay attention to this thought, will it help us create the life we want?” (Harris, p. 38).
In ACT, thoughts are often referred to as stories. Sometimes they are true (a/k/a facts) and sometimes they are false. Most are stories about how we SEE life (opinions, attitudes, ideals, beliefs, etc.) or what we want to DO with life (plans, dreams, goals, wishes, etc.).
Very often, we react to our thoughts as if they are the truth or that we have to listen to them like they are commands. In psychology, this is known as fusion. Fusion happens when something is stuck together. In ACT, fusion means the story and the event have become stuck together. Harris describes being in a state of fusion where it seems as if:
“Thoughts are reality - what we are thinking is actually happening, here and now”
“Thoughts are the truth - we completely believe them”
“Thoughts are important - we take them seriously and give them our full attention”
“Thoughts are orders - we automatically obey them”
“Thoughts are wise - we assume they know best and we follow their advice”
“Thoughts can be threats - some thoughts can be deeply disturbing or frightening, and we feel the need to get rid of them” (Harris, pg. 39-40)
All of us have thoughts at different times that get in the way of living a rich and meaningful life. Thoughts like I don’t have enough time or I don’t have enough money or I’m not good enough are very common. One defusion technique to try to reduce the impact of these types of thoughts is the “I’m having the thought that . . .” tool. Here’s what it would look like in a coaching session. A client is having a persistent thought (i.e. I’m not a good enough parent). The thought is identified and the client is asked to focus on that thought and repeat it three times out loud. Next, I ask them to take that thought and insert “I’m having the thought that” [I’m not a good enough parent] and repeat that three times. We do that one more time changing the wording to “I notice I’m having the thought that” [I’m not a good enough parent]. Typically, clients find that by doing this activity they create space and distance from the original thought and an internal shift occurs. Don’t take my word for it, try it out!
All of us have thoughts at different times that get in the way of living a rich and meaningful life. Thoughts like I don’t have enough time or I don’t have enough money or I’m not good enough are very common. One defusion technique to try to reduce the impact of these types of thoughts is the “I’m having the thought that . . .” tool.
Try to remember that all beliefs are just stories, so hold them lightly. If a thought helps you lead a rich, full and meaningful life, use it. If it’s wreaking havoc in your life, don’t clutch it too tightly. Use the thought tool to help you loosen its grip. Finally, pay close attention to what is actually happening rather than automatically believing what your thoughts say. Just because thoughts appear doesn’t mean that we have to take them seriously. If you want to explore this more or learn about personal coaching, contact me for a 30-minute free consultation.
Next month we’ll explore the ACT principle of expansion and learn to apply it to painful feelings.
Reflection: What thoughts do you notice or what stories are you telling yourself? Are these thoughts and stories helpful or unhelpful in moving towards living a meaningful life?
Action: Try using the “I’m having the thought that” tool daily over the next few weeks and practice defusing unhelpful thoughts and stories.
Tool: Thought tool